A dark place

Somewhere out there is a place better than this.

Bright sun shining warmth down on the faces

of a family with all the radiance and love of God and the universe.

This pain does not exist, only hope and the joy of anticipation of all the wonderful days ahead.

Happiness, true happiness without the worry

Fear

Or constant nagging anxiety over each and every detail of life.

How did I get to this place?

Ever so slowly I feel my optimism fading away into a sea of nothingness

Covered by dark storm clouds

It’s days like this when I wonder how many people I’m fooling

With my smiles and the perfectly painted face that all is right but really its

Not

Money can’t buy happiness but it can pay the bills, put food on the table and provide luxuries that most people call necessities

Somewhere out there is the answer to this mess and the key

The key that turns the lock and gets us out of this depression and into a happier life

A more peaceful life

Perhaps that key is God, but I feel like I’ve lost my way, like a lost child crying out for her mother who is no where around

Or maybe her father is standing right behind her and all she has to do is turn around and look up.

Perhaps all along she’s just looking for the wrong thing.

 

Poetry was my outlet as a teenager, dealing with depression that came after my mother abandoned my family. This is my first poem in years, and it reminds me of why I loved poetry years ago. It’s a way to get my feelings out in a form that I don’t think has to make sense to anybody but me, but when it does, it’s all the better.

Denial

How do I begin to heal from something that I'm not convinced I have? Clearly postpartum depression is stamped all over me because I'm in such a funk that I just feel completely worthless sometimes. This is miserable. I used to feel so strong and powerful after Evan was born. What happened?

Somewhere along the way, in trying to conceive Lindy, I allowed myself to become so wrapped up in my own little world. I became so entrenched in my own problems that I forgot to let God in. I shut Him out, only to open the door and scream for help when all felt lost. It was me that was lost. What the heck was I thinking?

It took 14 long months to conceive Lindy, and both Mike and I underwent infertility testing. I won't get into that right now, but we really stressed ourselves out. Even though getting a positive pregnancy test was elating, the pregnancy began under stress, and continued that way. Then we moved. More stress. Then I couldn't decide where to delivery Lindy. More stress. Then I hurt ALL THE TIME. More stress. I was one big stress ball by the time labor actually started.

I should have gone to therapy during the pregnancy! And I definitely should have gone to church more often!

I'm trying not to blame myself for this postpartum depression, and I'm trying to understand and accept that it is something I'm dealing with. It's not easy though. Blaming myself for everything bad that happens is so easy. I found a million reasons for why Lindy's birth was more difficult than Evan's. Now I'm finding a million more reasons why this postpartum depression exists. What I need to do is stop searching for blame and accept that things aren't quite right. Then I need to give them to God, and ask for help. I need to leave the depression in His hands. He has to help me heal from this.

Today, I'm not quite sure how to do that.

Two herbs and my sweeties

As I previously mentioned in another post, my therapist, counselor, whatever you want to call her, said one of my options was to go to a psychiatrist for some medication. Antidepressants and anti-anxiety meds to be precise. I came home and googled them. Yes, even though I’m a nurse I still google everything related to health. I know it’s not the best idea in the world for most people, but knowing the sites to trust (think Mayo Clinic and National Institute of Health) and the ones to ignore (forums) I think I’m alright. The side effects of many of those medications are just not something I want to think about just yet. If it comes a point when nothing else works, yes I will try them. Until then, I’m going another route.

My dear midwife recommended some herbal remedies for me to try, so herbs it is! She recommended Vitex to help balance my hormones and Kava Kava for the anxiety. I ordered them from Vitacost.com on Sunday night and had them on Wednesday morning, and didn’t even pay for expedited shipping! Both of them can be taken three times per day, and according to my midwife, both are safe for breastfeeding. These herbs, just like the traditional medications used for depression and anxiety, take a little while to build up in the system. This is day #2 of taking them and we’ll see how it goes.

On a different note, today was quite the experience! I woke up with a migraine that took about eight hours and two doses of medication until it went away. In the meantime, I had to take Evan to preschool and go get copies of Evan and Lindy’s medical records from their pediatrician. Evan had an appointment with a new pediatrician this afternoon where he got his first vaccination EVER, and I had to handle that with Lindy in tow. Fun times. Poor little fella! He cried so hard, and as soon as the nurse walked out of the room, I started crying. To make both of us feel better, we went to McDonalds afterwards and ate ice cream (for dinner). Not really, we at chicken nuggets too…totally unhealthy and not in our normal diet so I figure we’re alright since it’s only every now and again.

Once we got home, my mom told me to let Evan take a warm bath to help the leg from being sore. I don’t know if that actually works, but I didn’t think it would hurt. I filled up the tub for him, and Lindy and I ended up in the tub with him, LOL. Three of us in one little tub. I didn’t think we’d fit, but we did, and had a ball! Evan can make Lindy laugh like no one else. He was blowing bubbles in the water and she just laughed and laughed! It was hysterical! I wish Mike could have been here to get it on video (minus the naked part, lol) but he was in class. Little laughs, and smiles…that was all the medicine I needed tonight!